Thursday, December 05, 2013

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #44)


By Daniel Canada c.2010


HULDAH THE MOLERAT is a sight for sore eyes. If being ugly is something to brag about, then she’s the next contestant in the Miss Universes Blind Judges Contest. “Huldah the Mole Rat” hit every-and I mean every-branch of the ugly tree on her way down, when she was born. And she fell face-forward! Being ugly is really not anyone’s fault, not even the parents. Shit happens. The problem with “Huldah the Mole Rat” is that not only is she ugly as fornication, she has a bad attitude to accommodate it as well.

Come on, “Huldah!” Cut yourself some slack.  That’s another unnecessary strike against you.

Huldah the Mole Rat’s disposition is so bad, that even if she was a beauty queen, she would be considered a monster, for her temperament alone. For one, she’s a serious crack head. Yes. “Huldah the Mole Rat” likes to get her high on every day. You’ll always see her either very high, or on the other end of the spectrum, on the dope-fiend nod. Conversely, whenever “Huldah” sobers up from get her high, she’s one of the worst creatures on earth to be around. She will go out of her way to pick a fight with any person who happens to catch her heated glare. If she thinks she can’t handle the beef she started, she feels she can always depend upon the backing of her fellow crack head friends.

And believe me, there’s plenty of them around her.

You see, "Skeksies" like “Huldah the Mole Rat” has many “hang-arounds” that she drags about throughout the day by her pants legs. These cats wait around with her for her monthly SSI check and then they all go out and blow it on…well, crack! So, whenever she gets into a pinch, she can always depend upon one of the dope-fiends, from her entourage, to straighten out any mess she’s gotten tangled into. So don’t be surprised if you walk by a soup kitchen-“Huldah the Mole Rat” likes to hang around the Bowery Mission in particular-and hear the loudest mouth in the crowd, yapping away and popping mucho smack.

Yeah, old “Huldah the Mole Rat” loves attention, and let’s face it-no pun intended-but if you were as ugly as “Huldah the Mole Rat” you’d probably do anything it takes to get someone’s attention too. Having a big-ass-mouth helps in this kind of situation. So, if she starts a fight with you, pay her no never mind. She hates that. But, if you do pay her any attention and feed into her psychosis, she’ll put her fingers in her mouth and make a loud whistle-call, and twelve of her "Skeksy" crack-head-friends will materialize out of thin air, and throw you a good old fashion-country-ass-beating. 

It’s a sight to see a bunch of "Skeksies" all up in arms over trivial bullshit. But that’s what you’ll get for messing with “Huldah the Mole Rat.” Believe it or not, “Huldah the Mole Rat” actually has her own SRO, Single Room Occupancy, provided for her by welfare, so there’s no need for her to be hanging out in the streets and eating at soup kitchens and churches, in the first place. She seems to long for the association and life-style of the homeless and the disenfranchised. Those among the homeless who are her cronies, she takes home with her once and a while, to get them high with the proceeds of her monthly SSI check and to catch a medicinal nap away from the elements. This is the reason she has such a large following in the first place. 

And I bet she thought it was because of her looks.

I’m not insinuating she doesn’t provide her many male friends with a bit more. You can feel free to use your imagination. I prefer not to.

The peculiar thing about soup kitchens is that it is not always filled with "homeless" people, per say. Some of the frequenters have SROs or apartments like "Huldah." Some have jobs, but just can’t afford to pay rent, utilities, and feed themselves. Subsequently, you find an array of people eating at these spots, for a number of reasons.

I just thought I’d point that out.

However, the unfortunate thing is, if you do have to eat at any of these soup kitchens, you’re going to have to put up with the likes of "Skeksies" such as “Huldah the Mole Rat.”

And believe me, there are more of her type out there. I just don’t have the time to cover them all.

It's simply too exhausting.

I find that the best way to deal with nincompoops like “Huldah the Mole Rat” is in basic terms to act as if they don’t exist. Yep. Ignore the hell out of them. Eventually they’ll get tired of seeking your attention and eventually crawl back under the slimy rock from whence they came.

Remember the territory you’re in. Homeless and hungry equals soup kitchens, which equal "Skeksys" like “Huldah the Mole Rat.”

What else can I tell you?

You want me to tickle your ears by painting a rosy picture?

Sorry Pal. You’ll have to get that from the preacher in the storefront church next door.

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