Sunday, August 18, 2013

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homelesss Poet in New York (Excerpt #5)

By Daniel Canada c.2010



Oh, you don’t want to smell a funky "Skeksy!"

“Skeksy” is a word I use to refer to a run-down-homeless person as oppose to the regular homeless individual, doing their best to get by. More on that later, when we get to the chapter "Levels of Homelessness."

Let me put it like this, if they were to drop a bunch of funky “Skeksies” out of a C-130 over Afghanistan, Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and the whole lot of them would simply throw up their arms and surrender. 

The war would be over. Period and amen!

The truth of the matter is there is no reason whatsoever that your homelessness has to be associated with offensive odors. There are restrooms a plenty in which you can tidy up. As soon as I found out where a few local churches were that provided showers and a clean set of clothing, I made a bee-line over to them, and got my shower on. In fact, unless I had told you I was homeless, you would never know, unless you had some kind of “homeless meter” on you or something.

You know, the homeless people you encounter in the public restrooms, steady washing themselves up in the sink, to the ire of everyone around. These are the better ones of the bunch. At least they’re trying to keep up with their daily hygiene. The ones who don’t see freshening themselves up, well, that’s a different story all together. These are the “Skeksies” that chase people away with the most battering stench imaginable.

Notice that horrendous tang around homeless people? 

You’d never guess it’s their feet. Yep. That’s right. What you’re smelling is the odor of their long-over-due and unkempt feet. The feet of the homeless are first to go, because they are constantly on them. They hardly have the opportunity to take off their shoes and socks, and give their poor brogans a breather.

The other smell is coming from a long neglected to wash ass. Writing this part of the memoir brings me much vexation, in that there is no reason on God’s earth anyone should put aside the upkeep of their own backside. However, this is another of the offensive odors emanating from the bodies of the homeless "Skeksies," who just don’t give a clean, coyote-well, you know the rest-about the upkeep of their person.

I know you won’t let this happen to you.

This underscores the importance of keeping good maintenance of your feet, and your backside out here. Do not wear your socks for more than two days in a row! Wash your feet everyday and give the poor doggies a little breath of fresh air, as often as you can. Who cares what others think about you when they see you airing out your flippers? Trust me, they rather see you doing that than endure the oppressive muzzle torture of offensive smelling feet.