Monday, August 26, 2013

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet In New York (Excerpt #10)

By Daniel Canada c.2010

What’s in a name?

You know, I could never quite figure that question out. What’s in a plastic bag?  Now, that’s a good question. Whatever you put in it. On the streets plastics bags are also gold. There is nothing you can’t do with a plastic bag. Well, maybe there are some things you might want to reconsider doing with plastic bags. However, I’m going to demonstrate that there are quite a number of things that can be done with them, some of which will certainly borderline on the bizarre.

For starters, you can store your food in plastic bags. Tying them tight helps to preserve its contents. Whenever you get a fresh set of swag, a plastic bag or two comes in handy as well. It helps keep them clean and dry whenever it rains. This too applies to books, newspapers, or whatever you have of value and want to protect. Plastic bags preserve them from experiencing ruin.

Believe it or not, I even used plastic bags to line my shoes, when the weather got extremely cold. It served as good insulation. Just as I used newspapers to line my clothing, I utilized plastic bags as well in freezing weather to keep my body warm. Plastic bags have many utilitarian purposes as well, not to mention as a toilet liner.

Then there’s the Ass-bag.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, I said ass-bag, dude. And I'm not name calling here, either. You’re probably wondering what on God's earth is an ass-bag, and I understand your concern. To put it plainly it is a plastic shopping bag used to…well…let’s just say to take a dump in.

Wooh! Wait a minute! I recognized that we are really trespassing into strange territory here, but let's venture on.

Before you dismiss the idea completely, consider this scenario. You’ve been hitting the bricks for a while and the sudden urge to relieve yourself strikes without preamble. When I say "relieve yourself" in this case, trust me, I'm referring to something that wallops you like thunder, and with all the unfettered fury of what promises to be nothing short of a monsoon. It’s a case of one of those do-or-die bowel movements, the stuff commercials products are made of. 

Feel me?

You tried all the local public restrooms in Burger Kings, Star Bucks, and Chicken Delight. They’re all occupied. Now, this is the kind of shit that’s hard to tell the difference between it and a colon piss. You feel time is running out because nature’s calling, and when She calls we all have no choice but to respond.

What do you do in a situation like this?

Ta dah!

That’s when the ass-bag comes to the rescue!