THE HOBO
HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK
By Daniel Canada c.2010
PLASTIC
BAGS
You know, I could never quite figure that question out. What’s in a
plastic bag? Now, that’s a good
question. Whatever you put in it. On the streets plastics bags are also gold. There
is nothing you can’t do with a plastic bag. Well, maybe there are some things
you might want to reconsider doing with plastic bags. However, I’m going to
demonstrate that there are quite a number of things that can be done with them, some
of which will certainly borderline on the bizarre.
For starters, you can store your food in plastic bags. Tying them tight
helps to preserve its contents. Whenever you get a fresh set of swag, a plastic
bag or two comes in handy as well. It helps keep them clean and dry whenever it
rains. This too applies to books, newspapers, or whatever you have of value and
want to protect. Plastic bags preserve them from experiencing ruin.
Believe it or not, I even used plastic bags to line my shoes, when the
weather got extremely cold. It served as good insulation. Just as I used
newspapers to line my clothing, I utilized plastic bags as well in freezing
weather to keep my body warm. Plastic bags have many utilitarian purposes as
well, not to mention as a toilet liner.
Then there’s the Ass-bag.
I beg your pardon?
Yes, I said ass-bag, dude. And I'm not name calling here, either. You’re
probably wondering what on God's earth is an ass-bag, and I understand your
concern. To put it plainly it is a plastic shopping bag used to…well…let’s just
say to take a dump in.
Wooh! Wait a minute! I recognized that we are really trespassing into strange
territory here, but let's venture on.
Before you dismiss the idea completely, consider this scenario. You’ve
been hitting the bricks for a while and the sudden urge to relieve yourself
strikes without preamble. When I say "relieve yourself" in this case,
trust me, I'm referring to something that wallops you like thunder, and with
all the unfettered fury of what promises to be nothing short of a monsoon. It’s
a case of one of those do-or-die bowel movements, the stuff commercials
products are made of.
Feel me?
You tried all the local public restrooms in Burger Kings, Star Bucks,
and Chicken Delight. They’re all occupied. Now, this is the kind of shit that’s
hard to tell the difference between it and a colon piss. You feel time is
running out because nature’s calling, and when She calls we all have no choice
but to respond.
What do you do in a situation like this?
Ta dah!
That’s when the ass-bag comes to the rescue!
