THE HOBO
HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK
By Daniel Canada c.2010
Now, after I've
finished lambasting the homeless sham artist, I am burdened at last with the
overwhelming need to vent a personal vituperation against a small group of the
homeless that I've ran into along my travails...I meant travels. These guys and
gals are not as insidious as the ones I've taken pain to "out," as the
saying goes, to expose for the frauds they are. This next group is simply, how
does one say? An eclectic lot among the undomiciled.
These are the homeless vegetarians.
HOMELESS
VEGETARIANS
Yes. I had to go there. But I'll make it brief and as painless as
possible. The reason I had to touch on this topic is that I was astonished to
find such a thing actually existed out here.
Here's the scenario. I'm in a church, on a soup line. Everyone steps up to get a hot plate of whatever they're serving. The line suddenly comes to an
abrupt halt. Some homeless person is
fussing with one of the volunteer servers over the contents of his plate.
“I said I don't eat meat. I'm a vegetarian!” he complains, as if there
was some hidden conspiracy to sneak meat onto his plate.
“Well then, you're going to have to step aside, so we can prepare a
special vegetarian plate for you.”
The homeless vegetarian finally steps aside to allow the rest of the waiting,
hungry folks to move forward on the line. “And make sure they don't mix any
scraps of meat into my food. You know I can't eat any meat!” he sternly warns
the patient volunteer server, while waiting on the side of the line.
The server takes a good look at him. “You know all we have is some
white rice and string beans. But I can give you an extra helping of that, if
you want.”
The homeless vegetarian frowns, as if he's being giving the short stick
out of a draw on Gilligan's Island.
What?
Wait a minute! Something's out of place with this entire business here!
This is the streets, and you're in a bloody-excuse the French-church
soup kitchen. Special orders are for
five-star restaurants, like Tavern on the Green, buddy. When you're out here, you have to eat what
you're given.
Besides, what's up with the lack of gratitude?
Being on a vegetarian diet is difficult for working-class people to
afford. For a homeless person to expect to be served steamy dishes of vegetable
delight everyday on a church soup line is all together unreasonable.
The local Hare Krishna temple serves vegetarian diners on Wednesday
nights, sunshine.
So be there.
Homeless vegetarians, on your mark...Get set...Go!
(To be continued...)
