Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #11)


By Daniel Canada c.2010
PLASTIC BAGS (Continued)

First, you must make yourself invisible. I don’t feel it’s necessary to explain how to affect this. I’m sure you know what to do. After you’ve hidden yourself well out of sight, take out your handy, plastic ass-bag and quickly take care of business. 

And I do mean quickly!

Now, here’s where skill comes in.

It is of the utmost importance you tie the ass-bag immediately after use! This prevents the release of any offensive methane. Do your best to get rid of the ass-bag in the most proper manner. Be considerate of others, for heaven’s sake! You wouldn’t appreciate it if someone left their…end product…exposed to your proboscis, would you?

And besides, there are poop-a-scoop laws currently on the books. They kind of sort of apply to you. Well, at least within the spirit of the law.

Anyway, as crazy as all of this may sound, they are the solid truths and can help you, as it did me, whenever you get into a pinch-no pun intended. Therefore, make certain you remember to always stock up on the multi-faceted plastic bag.

Now that we've wrapped up this topic, let's move on to the subject of keeping track of time.



“Time is the fire in which we burn.” Well, at least that’s what the character Dr. Tolian Soran, in the movie Star Trek Generations said to Captain Jean-Luc Picard. On a more positive note, we all can agree that without knowledge of it we’re somewhat misplaced. You might be wondering why in hell would homeless people need a watch, or timepiece, in the first place. They don’t have anywhere to go anyway, right?


Homeless people have to keep a constant vigil on the passage of time, unless they’re completely gone out of their cotton-picking minds, in order to show up to all the soup kitchens, food lines, churches and shelters that give out grub and swag, and a whole host of other places throughout the day and week.  

(To be continued)