THE HOBO
HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK
PLASTIC SHOPPING
BAGS (Continued)
The fact of the matter is shopping bags can transport a boat load of essential
things. Without failing to enumerating such items, like clothing, food, and the
so forth, let’s suffice it to say having a shopping bag around helps alleviate
the burden of bearing your belongings with your bare hands.
Don't everybody respond at the same time.
I used it on several occasions myself, and was not ashamed to be caught
sporting my oversized, handy, Duane Reade shopping bag by any passersby who
observed me from over to tops of their noses. However, I always made sure that
I toted a snapping, brand new one, whenever I had the opportunity, to give the
impression I was just another jolly recipient of Duane Read, and a valued
customer.
How could anyone tell that I was just a homeless shmuck, carrying all
that I owned, save my skin, in as fashionable a manner as I could? It seems
that all the homeless souls must've caught on to my ruse, and without haste began
to follow in my footsteps. After a while I saw every homeless person and their
mother swinging a Duane Reade shopping bag around.
The nerve of them.
Unfortunately, a good number of the homeless forget to exchange their
well-worn-out Duane Read shopping bags for new ones, and after much use, went
about sporting the most unsightly gear imaginable.
Now, the jig is blown.
On second thought, you might want to switch over to a more trendy
D'Agostino shopping bag, just to throw them off. After my form of chicanery
went viral among the Skeks, I had no other choice. The benefit of this is that
no one will catch on to the fact you're really a down-and-out homeless person,
and you can still maintain a modicum of dignity for a while.
So next time you go to Duane Reade, or any super market
in a
upper-middle-class neighborhood, to buy a Snickers bar, ask for a shopping bag.
It takes a shit load of gumption, but what the hell. You’re going to need it anyway,
on the long trip…home.
(To be Continued...)
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