Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #27)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

CHAPTER THREE

PERSONALITIES OF THE HOMELESS (Continued)

SITH LORD is not only one of the most peculiar kind of individual you're going to meet on the streets, but also one of the most comical. The reason he's called "Sith Lord" is because he resembles the character, Sith Lord, from the movie "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace."

Everybody can’t be Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt.

Now, "Sith Lord" carries two laptop computers in his shoulder bag, and spends the entire day on the internet, playing internet games and the like. He rides around on a decent sports bike and works part-time as a bike messenger to pay for his computer gadgetry.

 

He likes to hangout in Starbucks all day, after purchasing only one cup of coffee, and hopes he goes unnoticed by the staff. Sometimes, he gets a little bolder and simply stays all day in Starbucks, without the perfunctory gesture of buying at least one obligatory cup of Joe. This is always to the ire of the managers and employees. Unfortunately, after a while they gather enough gumption to notify him that he's no longer wanted in their establishment. 

 

But this doesn't leave “Sith Lord” daunted!

For there is always the convenient Bryant Park, which happened at the time of writing this memoir to have only one handy power socket to plug his laptops into. Never mind the fact that those pesky park security guards kept coming by and complaining to him about unlawfully stealing the park's electricity. Eventually, and not surprisingly, he is driven away from Bryant Park as well.  

Now, he's really down and out. 

However, it is easy to see that all of this could have been adroitly avoided. All of this sounds even more absurd when you consider that he still has a home, with his mother in Queens, which he periodically disappears to when the going gets too tough on the street.

What we have here, is what I and Hobobob called a "Shelt," a person who has a place provided by another, even though most of the time it's by the State. This type of person is semi-homeless. They have one foot at home, or in a shelter, and the other foot in the street. It is probably more advantageous for him to either make peace with Mother and return to his cozy place of dwelling permanently, or to shake off the baby fat and go hard-core, and out in the street completely. 

 

If you become homeless and dwell in such a twilight condition as “Sith Lord,” then this is what I propose. That’s right! Grab yourself by the seat of your pants, and jump with all fours into the street. At least you won't have to suffer the back and forth meandering of co-existing between two disparate worlds. 

And for Christ's sakes! If you're going to go hardcore and really rough it in the streets, don't burn your bridges by overextended your visit to fast food haunts, like Starbucks, and McDonalds. And have a little couth when spending time in public places, like Bryant Park. It'll go a long ways, and you never know when you're going to need to seek asylum at these locations again.

Enough said.

(To be continued...)

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #26)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

 CHAPTER THREE

PERSONALITIES OF THE HOMELESS (Continued)

FRANK AND BEANS is an example of a man who managed to pull himself up by his own bootstraps. The reason I call him "Frank and Beans" is because his name is Frank. That's all. I wish I could provide you with some more clever reason, or profound history associated with his name, but I can’t. So, there it is. 

Anyway, when I first met "Frank and Beans" he was an ex-convict, who found himself homeless. But "Frank and Beans" was determined to make something out of his life. He enrolled into a technical school after getting public assistance, studied computer networking, and actually graduated. He rolled his sleeves up, and went out searching for and landed a decent job in a respectable company. He even got himself a modest apartment, for he and his wife, through section 8.

 

What "Frank and Beans" demonstrates, is that anyone can change their circumstance, regardless of what their life is like, if they put forth their best effort. 

Good luck "Frank and Beans." You’re a true inspiration and I salute you!

 

NINJA is a perfect example of a person who's lost all sense of corporeality. This kind of rodeo clown judges the world by his own selfish set of rules, and attempts to punish the world with the same. "Ninja" is the kind of homeless person that is so full of self-vituperation that he manages to shoot himself in the foot, to spite his sneakers. "Ninja” gets thrown out of almost every soup kitchen he shows up to. Now, this is not a prudent thing, when you consider that one needs to have access to as many soup kitchens as possible, so one doesn't starve to death.

 

But No!

"Ninja" insists on stirring a tempest in a teapot at every soup kitchen and church his dark shadow falls upon. So, in response to this kind of habitual behavior, the homeless have formed cliques to oust him from their eating establishments. Some have even gone as far as making plans to catch him outside unawares, and throw him a good beating. You see where all this is going, don't you? As a result, I see "Ninja" less and less each week. Maybe it's for the better, for us all. Now, the rest of the homeless and “Skeksies” can eat in relative peace, without having to result to clobbering somebody on an empty stomach. 

 

To avoid falling into the trap of becoming a "Ninja," try to be as amicable as possible, with the fellow homeless people you're going to share a meal table. As the saying goes, “You can catch more bees with honey.” 

"Ninja,” may the road rise to meet you.

 

When you fall on your face.

(To be continued...)