Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #18)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

THE SHELT (Continued)

What’s really the rub is that a "Shelt" doesn’t have to do any of these things at all. If they live in any of the government shelters throughout the city or state, food is served in these institutions three times a day. What is more, these shelters have to follow a regimented dietary code. Most Shelts are recipients of welfare, and welfare provides them upwards of two hundred dollars for food, and two hundred dollars cash for expenses, every month.

Most government funded and run SROs also serves three square meals a day-for free. So, there’s no reason on God’s earth a "Shelt" has to be standing on a goddamned soup line, humming for grub!

I suppose they just want to.

Why? Because they’re a bunch of greedy, gratuitous, grubbing, bastards. That's all.

Sorry folks. I wish I had something better to say.

 

THE HOMELESS STREETER

 

Now these guys and gals are the real deal!

They’ve gone hardcore, and said so long to the world and all its trappings a long time ago. They don’t rely upon the government or any would-be sympathizers for a goddamned thing. The way of survival on the heartless streets has become the Tao te Ching for them. Subsequently, they, just like the Toa te Ching, have become nameless and formless and can conform to any type of hardship life tosses at them just for shits and giggles.

They’ve mastered the art of building "hotels" out of cardboard boxes, to rest their heads for the night. They’ve become proficient in the art of the glom. Some of them even earn a modest income as canners, people who you see collecting the cans and bottles you happily throw away.

They are totally self-sufficient, and will rise out of the ashes of a nuclear holocaust, to dust themselves off-along with the cockroaches-and get about their business, before they were rudely interrupted by that pesky atomic blast.

YOU have to worry about the confluences and mercurial nature of the stock market, and Wall Street’s quarterly reports. YOU have to suffer the plague of lost sleep, because of the whims of a recalcitrant and overbearing boss. But not the "Homeless Streeter." The "Homeless Streeter" has long since divorced themselves from these concerns.

Sleep tight "Homeless Streeter." Trust in the Lord, but keep your shopping carts tied down.

 

(To be Continued...)

 

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #17)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

By Daniel Canada c.2010

CHAPTER TWO

LEVELS OF HOMLESSNESS (Continued)

 

It will become clearly evident in how you handle and comport yourself, and what route you take once you find yourself out here. When a hurried, working-class citizen walks down the street and sees a tattered man sleeping on the sidewalk on a cardboard, he might easily thinks that this is just another run-of-the-mill homeless person, like so many others he's seen.

In this chapter, I intend to take away the scales of society's constructs from your eyes and help you to see what is truly there in this image of the person on the sidewalk or the park bench. I intend to take you on an odyssey into the very lives of these otherwise invisible people. This I will also do even further in the upcoming chapter, "Personalities of the Homeless." When I am through, I hope you’ll have a better understanding of the various typesets that make up the composite group identified, collectively, as simply "The homeless."

So, lets us begin to dismantle this perceptual layer, by addressing the topic of the various stratum of homelessness, shall we?

 

THE SHELT

 

A "Shelt" isn't worth a dime. I was originally inclined to say something much stringer, but curtailed my tongue, for the time being. You think I'm being overly harsh on this type of homeless individual? I can understand your concerned response. But if you allow me, I will outline the reasons for this seemingly shocking initial statement.

The "Shelt" is a person dwelling on the fringes of homelessness. He or she lives in a shelter, or SRO, but still likes to fake it and perpetuate the notion of living under the deprivations of the rest of the domicile. The word “Shelt” is short for shelter, in that it indicates a person still has a roof over their head and, for whatever reason, is not on the streets just yet.

However, you’ll always see the "Shelt" standing on line at every soup kitchen, church, synagogue, and run-of-the-mill government establishment that serves up grub to the homeless and indigent. They’ll be present on every swag line, and wait around in the evenings, in the cold, for hours for the Coalition for the Homeless and Midnight Run vans that comb the streets, giving out food and all kinds of accoutrements to the needy. 

Like a thief pass the time to cop a merchandise, they never miss a trick.

 

(To be Continued...)

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #16)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK
By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

 

 

PLASTIC SHOPPING BAGS (Continued)

 

After you've mastered the art of stashing your belongings in a suitable shopping bag, and learned the wisdom of keeping handy newspapers around to insulate yourself from the cold, you're already transitioned into life on the street and didn't even know it. Now that you've become proficient in stowing away your valuables in a good hideaway, and discovered clever ways to keep tract of the passing of time, as well as how to keep up your personal hygiene, you can almost pass off as regular citizen of the State.

What is more, after you've also garnered a working knowledge of the many operating soup kitchens, around town, that give out decent hot meals, you're practically on your way to becoming a bona fide, well-experienced, homeless bloke.

Admittedly, not much to pat oneself on the shoulder about, but there it is. Notwithstanding all of these undertakings, there's yet more to learn about homelessness.

You will be loath to discover that there are many different levels of homelessness, some of which you can unconsciously slide into, if you are not watchful. One needs to be cognizant of the subtle transformations a person can unwittingly undergo, after spending too much time out on the streets. In the next chapter, I will take great pains to emphasize the various levels of homelessness one can slip into, if one is not vigilant in taking constant stock of themselves.

 

 

CHAPTER TWO LEVELS OF HOMELESSNESS

 

Maybe this chapter should have come first, but I chose to make it second simply because homelessness is not only just a state of being, it can also devolve into a state of mind. Who and what you are on the streets can depends greatly on how you deal with the issues of the previous chapters. In addition, what you become out here has a lot to do with the sensitive conditions of your initial beginnings, with what you were before you became homeless.

 

(To be Continued...)

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #15)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

 

 

PLASTIC SHOPPING BAGS (Continued)

 

 

The fact of the matter is shopping bags can transport a boat load of essential things. Without failing to enumerating such items, like clothing, food, and the so forth, let’s suffice it to say having a shopping bag around helps alleviate the burden of bearing your belongings with your bare hands.

Can I get an Amen?

Don't everybody respond at the same time.

I used it on several occasions myself, and was not ashamed to be caught sporting my oversized, handy, Duane Reade shopping bag by any passersby who observed me from over to tops of their noses. However, I always made sure that I toted a snapping, brand new one, whenever I had the opportunity, to give the impression I was just another jolly recipient of Duane Read, and a valued customer.

How could anyone tell that I was just a homeless shmuck, carrying all that I owned, save my skin, in as fashionable a manner as I could? It seems that all the homeless souls must've caught on to my ruse, and without haste began to follow in my footsteps. After a while I saw every homeless person and their mother swinging a Duane Reade shopping bag around.

The nerve of them.

Unfortunately, a good number of the homeless forget to exchange their well-worn-out Duane Read shopping bags for new ones, and after much use, went about sporting the most unsightly gear imaginable.

Now, the jig is blown.

On second thought, you might want to switch over to a more trendy D'Agostino shopping bag, just to throw them off. After my form of chicanery went viral among the Skeks, I had no other choice. The benefit of this is that no one will catch on to the fact you're really a down-and-out homeless person, and you can still maintain a modicum of dignity for a while.

So next time you go to Duane Reade, or any super market

in a upper-middle-class neighborhood, to buy a Snickers bar, ask for a shopping bag. It takes a shit load of gumption, but what the hell. You’re going to need it anyway, on the long trip…home.

 

(To be Continued...)

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #14)

 

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

                                                                      (Excerpt #14)

 

 

 

 

THE POWER OF THE PRESS (Continued)

It’s amazing the number of conventions the common newspaper can serve. So, let’s just get right into it, shall we? When using the restrooms, you can cover the floor, if some klutz before you left urine tracts behind to mark his or her territory. It can also serve as a handy door jam, for public restrooms that lack a latch, in order to secure your privacy.

Moving to the great outdoors. When sleeping on the hard earth or floor, newspapers can be applied onto the ground to protect you from, not only the cold, but from infectious dirt as well. But I'm certain you want to make sure you choose a clean spot to lay down from the beginning. 

Remember, anything else is considered “Skeksy.”

I could go on and on with this, but feel you’ve got the point already. So make sure to save up on your newspapers and store them away. They can really salvage you in times of need. Besides, carrying them around makes you look smart.

Another item held in high regard on the street is plastic shopping bags. They can prove to be a lifesaver, and many a homeless person does swears by them, including myself. You would be simply amused...amazed...at all the utilitarian functions the ordinary plastic bag can serve.

 

PLASTIC SHOPPING BAGS

 

Have you ever notice lately that almost all of the homeless people are walking around with Duane Reade shopping bags?

Strange isn’t it?

Well, if they’re not carrying a Duane Reade shopping bag, they’re carrying some other kind, but shopping bags it is! It seems to be the au courant homeless thing to do now-a-days.

 

(To be continued...)

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #13)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

 

 

STASHABLE LOCATIONS (Continued)

 

You don’t want to be caught carrying all that stuff around town, do you? I didn’t think so. The tricky part is finding an actual spot that’s safe enough to squirrel away your get-up without the inconvenience of it being discovered. Discovery means lost, friends. And when you lose your belongings out here, it’s gone forever, and you're in a real tight spot. I was lucky, for a while, to have discovered a great spot in a location I and my companion, Hobobob, referred to as, “Up the old Lady’s Ass.”

What?

Look. I'm not trying to be offensive here. So, before you jump to conclusions, and simply write me off and what have you, I'd like for you to continue to follow along with my some-what twisted, homeless, logic, and eventually it's all going to make sense.

Getting back to my stashable secret spot.

Where can such a place with a name like this possibly be? Well, it was right behind the lady statue on the left-hand side of the famous New York Public Library, situated right on Forty-Second Street and Fifth Avenue. Believe me, it's the God's honest truth. Sometimes the best place to hide a thing is in plain sight. Who would've suspected? Matter of fact, that location served me well for many months, until one day the public library custodians decided to do spring-cleaning and…well…you know the rest.

The lost to me was considerable. This underscores the reason why it is imperative that you find a hiding spot to squirrel away your belongings that will not be discovered until the end of the next century. Eventually, all stashable locations are discovered.

Wasn’t it the Buddha who said the only thing permanent in the universe was change?

Well, there you have it.

However, if you chose wisely, you can have the blessed, temporary peace of mind that your valuables are tucked away in a well-secreted location, safe from the paws of any would-be-homeless moochers.

Or custodians.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'd like to elucidate upon the multitudinous purposes of an article-no pun intended-that we use and discard on any given day, without taking into consideration some of the other uses from which a homeless person can gain from it.

I'm referring to your average, daily, newspaper.

As we shall see, this item has more functions than merely providing you with the updated scores of your favorite baseball team.

 

THE POWER OF THE PRESS

 

I’ve touched briefly on how I used newspapers to line my clothing, during less than favorable wintry nights, and how this has saved my hide more than a night or two. In point of fact, this wasn’t my brainchild but was actually thought of and put to use by the late, great, American Psychic, Edgar Cayce, during the many privations he had to endure while pursuing his chosen path as the “Sleeping Prophet.”

I read about it in a book and borrowed the idea. So, there’s no royalties on newspaper usage for me, here.

 

(To be continued...)

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt # 12)

 

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

 

 

TIME (Continued)

 

 

If you’re late, you’re shit out of luck. Food and supplies run out fast and survival is only for the swift out here. Homeless folks who can’t make it on time to these places aren’t going to last very long on the streets. Thus, the need to always be cognizant of the time.

Believe or not, homeless people are never late for meals. Amazing, isn't it? Yeah, they all have their grub meters tuned and calibrated to the next and nearest soup kitchen. It’s remarkable to watch how a “Skeksy” who seems out of his or her mind most of the day, walking around, talking out loud to themselves in gaga land, can manage to locate the next soup kitchen and get there well in advance of time.

It is indeed puzzling.

If you can scrape up enough cheddar to purchase a cheap five-dollar watch or get a cheap cell phone, it would serve you well. If you can’t afford regular, competitive, baby Ma-Bell phone service, you can always buy a TracPhone from Duane Reades or your neighborhood dime store. They’re very inexpensive, and you won’t accrue a monthly bill.

 

What is more, it has an automatic time digital display!

In the event you just can’t afford to buy a watch, then it’s time to live off the land, trooper. This calls for an observant eye that looks out for clocks and digital displays throughout the many buildings and billboards that carry these, on your travels about town.

Clocks and digital read-outs are practically everywhere!

 

If you take a good look around you will see clocks of all kinds, just about anywhere you go. They’re on buildings, advertisement signs and what have you. You can even find digital displays on the modern meters located on most city blocks.

The point being, you don’t have to be lost for time just because you don’t have a timepiece. No matter where you are you can always, as Flavor Flav once said, "know what time it is…Boy-ee!"

Now, that the day is drawing to a rapid close, and you're chomping at the bit to hunker down for a good night's rest in one of your well-selected places, you'll need to stash your precious bags and items while you sleep. Knowing where to tuck my valuables away was another important skill I had to acquire promptly.

 

So we'll discuss that next.

 

STASHABLE LOCATIONS

 

O.k., now you’ve glommed just about everything your big-ass, glom hand can attract. So, what the hell are you going to do with all that swag and accessories, Skek Prince? This is where it comes in handy to have a well-hidden spot to stash all your gear and supplies.

(To be continued...)

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #11)

 

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

 

 

PLASTIC BAGS (Continued)

 

 

 

First, you must make yourself invisible. I don’t feel it’s necessary to explain how to affect this. I’m sure you know what to do. After you’ve hidden yourself well out of sight, take out your handy, plastic ass-bag and quickly take care of business. 

And I do mean quickly!

Now, here’s where skill comes in.

It is of the utmost importance you tie the ass-bag immediately after use! This prevents the release of any offensive methane. Do your best to get rid of the ass-bag in the most proper manner. Be considerate of others, for heaven’s sake! You wouldn’t appreciate it if someone left their…end product…exposed to your proboscis, would you?

And besides, there are poop-a-scoop laws currently on the books. They kind of sort of apply to you. Well, at least within the spirit of the law.

Anyway, as crazy as all of this may sound, they are the solid truths and can help you, as it did me, whenever you get into a pinch-no pun intended. Therefore, make certain you remember to always stock up on the multi-faceted plastic bag.

Now that we've wrapped up this topic, let's move on to the subject of keeping track of time.

 

TIME

 

“Time is the fire in which we burn.” Well, at least that’s what the character Dr. Tolian Soran, in the movie Star Trek Generations said to Captain Jean-Luc Picard. On a more positive note, we all can agree that without knowledge of it we’re somewhat misplaced. You might be wondering why in hell would homeless people need a watch, or timepiece, in the first place. They don’t have anywhere to go anyway, right?

Wrong.

Homeless people have to keep a constant vigil on the passage of time, unless they’re completely gone out of their cotton-picking minds, in order to show up to all the soup kitchens, food lines, churches and shelters that give out grub and swag, and a whole host of other places throughout the day and week.  

(To be continued)

 

 

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet In New York (Excerpt #10)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

By Daniel Canada c.2010

 

 

 

PLASTIC BAGS

 

What’s in a name?

You know, I could never quite figure that question out. What’s in a plastic bag?  Now, that’s a good question. Whatever you put in it. On the streets plastics bags are also gold. There is nothing you can’t do with a plastic bag. Well, maybe there are some things you might want to reconsider doing with plastic bags. However, I’m going to demonstrate that there are quite a number of things that can be done with them, some of which will certainly borderline on the bizarre.

For starters, you can store your food in plastic bags. Tying them tight helps to preserve its contents. Whenever you get a fresh set of swag, a plastic bag or two comes in handy as well. It helps keep them clean and dry whenever it rains. This too applies to books, newspapers, or whatever you have of value and want to protect. Plastic bags preserve them from experiencing ruin.

Believe it or not, I even used plastic bags to line my shoes, when the weather got extremely cold. It served as good insulation. Just as I used newspapers to line my clothing, I utilized plastic bags as well in freezing weather to keep my body warm. Plastic bags have many utilitarian purposes as well, not to mention as a toilet liner.

Then there’s the Ass-bag.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, I said ass-bag, dude. And I'm not name calling here, either. You’re probably wondering what on God's earth is an ass-bag, and I understand your concern. To put it plainly it is a plastic shopping bag used to…well…let’s just say to take a dump in.

Wooh! Wait a minute! I recognized that we are really trespassing into strange territory here, but let's venture on.

Before you dismiss the idea completely, consider this scenario. You’ve been hitting the bricks for a while and the sudden urge to relieve yourself strikes without preamble. When I say "relieve yourself" in this case, trust me, I'm referring to something that wallops you like thunder, and with all the unfettered fury of what promises to be nothing short of a monsoon. It’s a case of one of those do-or-die bowel movements, the stuff commercials products are made of. 

Feel me?

You tried all the local public restrooms in Burger Kings, Star Bucks, and Chicken Delight. They’re all occupied. Now, this is the kind of shit that’s hard to tell the difference between it and a colon piss. You feel time is running out because nature’s calling, and when She calls we all have no choice but to respond.

What do you do in a situation like this?

Ta dah!

That’s when the ass-bag comes to the rescue!

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #9)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK

By Daniel Canada c.2010

GENERAL HYGIENE SOAPS AND DEODORANT

 

O.k., so now you’ve taken a shower at one of the centers that provides showers for the homeless. You even feel good after you've changed into some fresh clothing. But there’s still something missing. How about the use of some deodorant, toothpaste, and what not?

This is where glomming these provisions from the soup kitchens that hand them out comes in handy. During the evening, there are various charitable organizations, such as The Midnight Run, and certain church groups, that drive around in vans scouring for the homeless to give out these accoutrements.

However, you have to know where they stop and the times they arrive, or you’re shit out of luck. If you do locate them, you’ve hit the homeless jackpot! Why? Because they give out buku (Yeah, know the proper spelling is "beaucoup") soap, deodorant, toothpaste, razors, just about everything you need to keep up your personal hygiene for a decent period of time. That’s until you need to catch them again, and to restock.

The key is to keep your glom hand out. Don’t be shy. You’re going to need these provisions for the road trip, buddy. Look! There’s a ton of bathrooms, and plenty of water around in such facilities. Even the homeless hold their noses up to other dirty “Skeksies,” who neglect their own personal cleanliness. And they bitch and complain about them whenever they show up to a soup kitchen. This shall never happen to you if you keep your bag well stocked with these essential items. And hit the public showers provided by the churches and government shelters, that extend these amenities, as often as possible.

Guess what? After a while you're starting to look like a normal, working-class bloke.